“The distinction between a brave volunteer and an ill informed spectator is usually about ten waves of Arachnids.”

The Official Bug BBQ Report

There comes a moment in any civilisation’s history when the Federal Council, faced with an existential arachnid threat, turns to its citizenry and asks for volunteers. Not conscripts. Volunteers. The distinction matters enormously if you’re the one writing the recruitment poster. “Service guarantees citizenship” is, on reflection, one of history’s great euphemisms, ranking somewhere between “enhanced interrogation” and “the cheque’s in the post.”

Still, nobody in the Lossie Phantom Realm seemed especially troubled by the small print on Wednesday night. This is what happens when you dangle a flamethrower in front of burley British men (ladies are also invited) and tell them it’s for bug removal purposes only.

So it was that the club traded lightsabers and Rainbow Road grudges for something considerably louder. Ten waves of Horde Mode, a base that needed walls and machine gun emplacements before it needed anything else, and a scoreboard that would, by the end of the night, resemble a very aggressive fruit machine… For certain players.

THE HANDOVER

Before a single Morita rifle left the rack, there was business to attend to. I am imminently shipping out to the Falklands for four months, and the freshly minted new Club 2IC Lee Worth was handed the keys. Hosting, scoring, the lot. This is also the same Lee whose previous Mario Kart driving record includes what can only be generously described as “an incident.” He ran the entire operation with the calm of a trooper who had never once put a shell through his own base wall. This, frankly, is character growth and nobody saw it coming.

Elsewhere in committee logistics, Equipment Manager Jamie strolled in fashionably late to the frontline, a move he insists was less “poor timekeeping” and more “giving the rest of the Vanguard a fighting chance.” Whatever the motive, once he did log in, his screen became a genuine spectacle. There were exploding bugs, nuclear detonations, grenades, mines, and a scoreboard spinning like it owed someone money. Had Jamie handicapped himself any less generously, Jay Witts might well have had a proper fight on his hands at the top of the kill column. As it stands, we’ll never know, and Jamie gets to walk away looking like the most sporting man in the Arena.

THE SWEAT LORDS ASSEMBLE

Jay Witts topped the entire operation, because of course he did. “Palpatine Killer Lightning Fingers” apparently translates seamlessly from lightsabers to a Morita rifle, and he spent the night stacking up kills while somehow also finding time to drag 13 teammates back off the bug-chow conveyor belt, which suggests a man fighting the war on two fronts and winning both.

Talking of revives, there is a certain someone who deserves their own statue. Ritchie Harris scored 78 (seventy eight) revives. This is not a typo. While the rest of the squad chased personal glory, Ritchie was quietly running the club’s unofficial field hospital, single handedly keeping half the roster out of the bug-chow processing plant. Somebody buy this man a pint. And some Nerds Gummy Clusters!

Sitting as an outside observer when I’m not getting decimated, I notice little battles that push each other to greater heights, and I am here for it. The flicking of heads over shoulders, the scan of a scoreboard. Mikey, the reigning Star Wars Event Champion, proved his talents aren’t limited to a galaxy far, far away, locking horns with Jay Witts in a rivalry that appears to be becoming a permanent club fixture. This is one for the age and it will be fascinating to see who will come out on top next time.

Did someone just mention rivalry? Jim and Sonny, fresh off their Mario Kart title showdown, spent the evening slaughtering bugs side by side instead of each other, which is either a lovely bit of camaraderie or simply that the Arachnids required their full attention. A double-or-quits rematch for the Mario Kart Star Trophy was floated and, sadly, shelved. There is still time to give the people what they want!

There was an FNG at the event as well. Welcome Kai! He turned up as fresh meat and left looking suspiciously like a natural. Self styled as Poseidon’s Number 1 Weapons Technician, or at the very least top three, Kai put up a scoreboard performance that raised eyebrows for someone who insists they “don’t play much.” Watch this space.

Lee and myself held the command element, which is a generous way of saying we kept the walls standing and let everyone else have the glory. The less generous of you would say we need to do better.

THE FEDERAL COUNCIL EVALUATION

The Federal Council can rest easy tonight. The Vanguard held the line, the base walls stayed up, and Lee Worth has proven, against all Mario Kart evidence to the contrary, that the club is in perfectly safe hands while Deano’s away doing something considerably less glamorous in the South Atlantic.